Unwritten Rules & Unrealistic Expectations
Could the story that we tell ourselves be holding us back from developing more meaningful relationships at home and at work? Sometimes blurred lines exist between the story we tell ourselves and reality. The problem is that we can’t usually see what is behind those blurred lines. These are where our blind spots reside. Our blind spots are a problem for us because we can’t see them and at the same time, they may be evident to others.
Our blind spots consist of layers which include unwritten rules that guide our behavior and unrealistic/unclear expectations for self and others. We have a partial view into what hides behind these blurred lines, but making a real effort to see behind them is extremely difficult for us to do alone and it’s uncomfortable.
Our brains prefer stability and predictability. Especially during our formative years, we start creating and accumulating unwritten rules and we carry this rule book with us wherever we go. These rules help us make sense of our environment and they are shaped by our past experiences and our relationships. Unwritten rules are like commandments that guide our behavior. We may not even be aware that they exist. At one point, these rules probably made sense for us and may have served to help us in some way or to protect us. As we get older, they can become a problem: 1) we may not be aware of them, 2) they may be getting in our way, or 3) they may be nonsensical. Further, our unwritten rules highly influence our expectations, whether we realize it or not. The problem with expectations is that they may be unclear or unrealistic. How do we react when our expectations aren’t met? Is our default response to become frustrated, angry, hurt, or disappointed when this happens? Can we use our reaction as a red flag alert to cause us to look inward and get curious? Are our expectations unrealistic or unclear? Have we communicated them clearly to others?
Let’s puts this discussion in context so that we can see how our unwritten rules and expectations impact our relationships. Recently, I was coaching a woman (let’s call her Dorothy). Dorothy worked in an administrative support role within a large pharmaceutical company. During our coaching session, we reviewed her EQi 2.0 results (emotional intelligence assessment). Her results showed that she was underusing the skills of assertiveness and self-awareness and overusing the skill of emotional expression.
How did this skill combination present for her in the workplace? Dorothy presented as someone who had a lot to say, but was biting her tongue more often than not. As a result, she was experiencing frustration, blaming others, and in times of mounting pressure, she was having difficulty controlling her emotions. I asked her to think of a recent situation with a colleague which resulted in her feeling frustrated. She told me about a text message that she had received, on a weekend, from one of the directors that she supported. She explained that she was very angry and frustrated that this individual had contacted her on the weekend. Yet, she responded to the text without saying a word about her frustration and she continued to harbor resentment. As she was telling me the story, she recalled the type of family environment and behavior that was acceptable in her Italian household growing up. She stated, “I would never do that to anyone. That is very rude to contact someone during non-work hours. I was taught to respect someone’s personal time.”
I asked her if I could interject. I asked her if this person had grown up in her household with her. She replied, “No.” I prompted her to consider whether it was possible that this person had good intentions. She thought about it and said, “Maybe.” I suggested that she was ascribing to a certain set of unwritten rules and had never communicated them to her colleagues. I asked her to think about how her unwritten rules were guiding her behavior and leading her to assume certain expectations for herself and others. The lightbulb started to go off for Dorothy. She had never considered her work relationships from this perspective before. Lastly, I asked her what would have happened had she not answered the text until Monday morning. She admitted that she had created self-induced pressure to respond immediately.
My goal with Dorothy was to get her to look inward. What was the story she was telling herself? What part of this frustrating scenario did she own? Was she aware of the unwritten rules that were influencing her thoughts, feelings, and behaviors? Was it fair for her to expect others to follow those same rules and subsequently was she creating unrealistic expectations as a result? Had she done her part in communicating her expectations? Why did she restrain herself from speaking up? What could she have done differently? How could she improve this working relationship moving forward? As you can see, there was a lot to unpack here and process. It is helpful to have a coach or mentor serve as an honest mirror for you.
The next time you find yourself disappointed or frustrated, it’s time to examine the story you are telling yourself. Identify the blurred lines. Search for your blind spots. They are there. Consider how your unwritten rules and expectations are impacting your story.
Kris Macc is an author, speaker, consultant, and coach. She has been regularly interviewed for radio, podcasts, and magazines on the topics of leadership, emotional intelligence, trust, vulnerability, and women. Kris is the founder of KMACC SOLUTIONS a consulting firm helping organizations cultivate emotionally intelligent leaders in the workplace. She just released her new book, #NoApprovalNeeded. You can grab a copy from Amazon or order it from any book retailer worldwide. Connect with Kris on LinkedIn or visit her websites kmaccsolutions.com or krismacc-author.com
