About one year ago, I was on an early morning walk on one of the bike trails in my neighborhood. After about an hour, I was getting tired especially as I reached a section of the trail that was uphill. Soon, I reach the top of that “hill”, and then started going downhill. As I slowed down to allow my legs enjoy the much-deserved break, I saw them coming towards me.
Two ladies, right in front of me were riding their bikes in the opposite direction. At that moment, they were going uphill and there was about 15 feet of space between them. As they were about to pass me, the one in front yelled,
“C’mon! Let’s go! You can do it!”
To which the other lady yelled back, “I don’t like that!”
“You don’t like what?! Riding uphill?”
“No! The cheering! I don’t like people cheering me on!”
I managed a chuckle as they passed and disappeared behind me. Thinking of their brief exchange, I imagined the contradictions in what had just happened.
Most of us have our personal preferences in any situation – the way we like to do things or the way we typically respond to those circumstances. These personal preferences cover a wide range, from what you like the most, all the way to your greatest dislikes. I’ve discovered that we tend to do for others what we expect them to do for us in the same situations. For example, if for motivation, you like people to cheer you on while doing something, your tendency would be for you to cheer others on, in similar circumstances. But what if they don’t like the idea of being cheered on?
This is what I experienced on my bike trail encounter with those two ladies. The first one is most likely someone who likes to be encouraged, cheered on and applauded. As a result, she encourages, applauds and cheers others on. Her companion seemed opposite. She didn’t like being cheered on. So, it’s very likely that she won’t be the kind that would cheer others on. As trivia as this may seem, personal traits such as this can easily lead to frustrations and discontent in the workplace.
Do you have a manager who doesn’t seem to encourage and spur you on, especially when the going gets tough? Maybe you don’t get the kind of kudos or “attaboy” you expect when you accomplish something that deserves commendation. Your boss is probably not as sadistic and wicked as you thought. They may simply be the kind of person who dislikes (or does not expect) accolades. As a result, they don’t see the reason to dish it out. And if you’re the type that expects it, this may be frustrating you to no end. You feel less and less appreciated with each passing day.
Or maybe it’s the other way around. You have a manager or coworker who cheers you on constantly; and it gets on your nerves? They seem to make a big deal out of every single thing you do, and you just hope that they stop it already! They have no idea how much your stomach churns every time they go on their cheering spree. All they’re doing with their relentless doses of accolades is to stress you out!
Developing self-awareness can help in both of these cases. As one of the essential foundational components of emotional intelligence (EI), self-awareness helps you to begin paying attention to your personal preferences, recognizing how these are different from the preferences of others, and knowing how your behaviors impact others.
In this particular case, the first step is a continual understanding that people like to be recognized and appreciated in different ways. While some may like you to throw them a huge party and announce their achievements on the mountain-tops for all to hear, others may prefer a quiet and private pat on the back in appreciation of their work. As a leader, you have to know the manner in which each of your team members prefer to be appreciated. If you don’t know, simply ask them. Once you do know, you need to start appreciating them their way, not yours.
This is the only way to show recognition and appreciation appropriately. This is the approach that will help you avoid stress and frustration with recognizing your teams.
Sunny is an emotional intelligence coach, he helps leaders and those being groomed for leadership positions to understand and leverage the power of their emotions to achieve success in leading and motivating their teams.
